How to talk baseball with an expert?

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Answered by: Eric, An Expert in the Baseball - General Category
ATTENTION: Baseball is truly the best sport in the history of the world; blending speed, power, grace and intelligence like no other sport can. As a baseball expert, I appreciate those folks around the Dallas-Fort Worth area who are embracing baseball for what has to be the first time.

However, why are you novices so eager to talk about it with strangers like me? I just happened to be wearing one of my dozen or so baseball t-shirts today (to wit, a red Ian Kinsler shirt), and I was virtually assaulted by bad baseball opinions and statements from a huge variety of people who are, apparently, newly-minted baseball experts. Good for you folks, I am so happy to see interest in America's game, and by the way, be careful to not sprain your ankle when you jump off the bandwagon later.

In the meantime, while you are enjoying this ride and want to talk baseball with an expert, there are a few how-to tips to keep in mind so that you won't have true baseball fans hitting their heads on the walls when you speak.

1. In baseball, they are "runs," not "points." This is the most important thing to understand. The moment you say, "points," when you want to talk baseball with an expert, they tune you out and look for the closest exit. There is absolutely nothing you can say after this that is baseball relevant.

2. One does not "get a home run," however, one does hit a home run. In case you are thinking this one is minor and you can safely ignore it, just know that the difference is not subtle, the difference is Grand Canyon-esque. Don't say it!

3. With that, a hitter's performance is not judged on the number of home runs that player hits in a year. For example, Elvis Andrus is absolutely not, "one of the worst hitters," in the Texas Rangers lineup. That is a simple one, you should know how to talk baseball intricacies before you offer up any opinions. That is the safest route, until you know for sure that you aren't making a fool of yourself.

4. I know for a fact that you have not been, "biting [your] nails and anxiously awaiting," the start of the baseball season if you don't know the score of the Opening Day game when it is in the sixth inning ... and when we are waiting in line to pay for our respective meals in a restaurant with five HD televisions within 12 feet of you. Yes, this happened to me, and yes, I was horrified.

That should be enough to get you started. Trust me, as a baseball expert, there is a lot more I could complain about, but I want to make sure you understand the basics before we move on to the true baseball expert talk. For now, learn it, love it, live it ... it is just Opening Day and I am already tired of politely smiling and nodding at you folks while you jabber on about things you are obviously clueless about.

I am only trying to help.

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